Talking to 'Tweens

Why Middlers are Different

Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D., is one of America's best-known psychologists. He teaches at the Harvard Medical School, writes the "Ask The Expert" column in Parents Magazine and has written five books on child development and parent-child communication.

Q: How is communicating with a middler different than communicating with a younger child?

Dr. Kutner: The middle-school years are watershed years in a family. When you look at younger kids, like 6 to 8 year olds, their friends are typically friends of convenience. But starting around ages 10 or 11 kids' friends begin to have shared values and perceptions of the world. A child's perception of his or her parents changes around the same time, as well. Children in this age group start challenging their parents.

There are, of course, also physiological changes, and the brain is changing. Instead of seeing things in black and white, middle-school kids start seeing things in 250 shades of gray -- but they can't sort it out yet.

Kids in this age group are not getting all that reinforcing feedback they got when they were younger. Parents tend to back off when kids get to be middle-school aged, yet kids are still desperate for information. Parents aren't encouraged to keep communicating and kids might not look like they're listening, but they really are.

What Middlers are Asking

Q: Do you have any advice for parents whose kids won't talk to them?

Dr. Kutner: A lot of middle-school kids do openly talk to their parents, but when kids don't or can't, there are usually two types of issues involved: social and sexual.

Social and sexual changes, interest in the opposite sex, are big topics and parents tend to underestimate them. Before kids feel comfortable talking about big stuff like sex, drugs, and violence, they've got to talk about small stuff, like cheerleading practice. Start with small stuff; it isn't as threatening.

Kids this age are socially very sensitive -- they're much more aware of losing face than a younger child. Some of the best communication you can have is when you're not squared off at a table looking at your child, but when you're peeling carrots or driving. Your child doesn't have to face you, and you both can be doing something else. This is particularly true with boys. Girls feel more comfortable than boys just talking, but boys feel more comfortable talking while doing something else.

Q: What are the main causes of poor communication?

Dr. Kutner: When we got the results from the Philips' "Let's Connect" Family Communicating Survey, a couple of things were surprising and upsetting.

The upsetting finding was that we learned the majority of parents and kids spend less than an hour -- many less than half an hour -- a day talking. Clearly, there's room for some improvement there! Spend more time communicating!

Under the surprising and delightful category, we asked parents what they thought was most important in their kids' lives and parents responded that they thought fun, friends, and physical appearance were most important to their kids.

But when we asked the kids the same question, they had completely different answers. Kids were much more conservative, saying that their family, school work, and future were most important to them. It seems clear these kids were listening to their parents.

Opening the Lines of Communication

Q: What advice would you give parents who want to foster better communication with a less-than-willing child?

Dr. Kutner: Learning to communicate is a long-term investment that has phenomenal payback. There's a difference between "How was your day, dear?" -- kids know that sort of thing is perfunctory -- and really talking about stuff every day. Listen to the little stuff. Don't wait around for the big sex, drugs, and violence issues to come up. Listen between the lines, don't just listen to the words. Kids this age don't use many words. Acknowledge emotion. Middle-school kids are thinking differently so, ask their opinion, and listen to it. When you do, you'll find they are more likely to ask your opinion and listen to that. Opinions are easy, they're free, and they don't take a lot of work.

Don't interrupt your kids. As parents, we often think we know what our kids are going to say and we finish their sentences and it ticks them off -- and rightly so. Let them finish their thoughts.

Same advice goes for kids. Kids need to listen to be heard. Kids need to acknowledge their parents' point of view. If they do, they'll find their parents are more likely to listen to them.

Parents should also provide their kids with opportunities to try out their new bodies and test new skills in thinking. Get middle-school kids involved in great, interesting activities before they make the bad choices, and try stupid, self-destructive activities, like drugs or sex. Encourage kids to make smarter decisions, to try stuff like scuba diving, rock climbing, and mountain biking, to get them in tune with themselves and involved in the world.

RESOURCE LINK: http://life.familyeducation.com/communication/tween/36173.html